And Then I Felt Safe

When I was a child, I believed that all the answers to the world were held by my parents.  I believed they held the key to the Truth, to my safety, and I felt safe.  But I slowly realized that they were fallible and made mistakes.  They didn’t know all the answers. They disappointed me.  And I felt scared.

So then I turned my sights on my teachers and other adult role models in my life.  They seemed to know so much, they seemed so secure and happy, and I felt safe. But I watched as they left my life, they moved on, they forgot about me, and I felt scared.

I sought out the leaders of the Church.  They appeared confident and knowledgeable, and for a time I felt safe.  But their doors were closed to the curiosity of a child, and instead expected of me blind obedience and sent me off with a pat on the head.  They let me down, and I felt scared.

As I grew older, I believed successful people in the workplace held the answers. I followed their guidance, assumed they knew what was best for me, and I felt safe. But they too let me down as I saw how they used me for their own needs.  Their humanness,  fear and insecurity was revealed to me, and I felt scared.

I got married, and thought my husband had the answers I was looking for.  After all, women sometimes do still look to men for the answers, despite the time and age we live in. He was educated, smart, and confident, and I began to feel safe. But soon the walls began to crumble and I saw through this carefully constructed outer shell to the vulnerable human he was.  I loved him more for this, but I felt scared.

I then sought out the practice of yoga and its ancient, timeless philosophies that expressed Truth and wisdom so eloquently.   I read the books, I listed to the teachers, and I felt safe. But over time, I saw how the books conflicted each other, and the teachers of various traditions argued over Truth time and again.  They did not have the answers sorted out, and I felt scared.

I tried again to turn to the church for answers, and the powerful men who led it. I was older now, and I could ask my questions.  I took their advice, I read their books, and I easily regurgitated the information they gave me, and for a time, I felt safe.  But I started to see that the words they gave me where divisive and judgmental. It couldn’t be the Truth I sought, and I felt scared.

So I set my sights higher to the many great Spiritual teachers of Buddhism, Tantra, Hinduism, Vedanta, and others, teachers of our time and of time passed.  I sat at the feet of many gifted and talented teachers, and I left myself feel safe.  But time and again, these teachers have fallen, their human desires proven too powerful to hold the Light steady for others.   If these great leaders could fall, could be wrong, what did that mean for me?  And again, I felt scared.

This time, I let myself go inside the fear I felt.  I let myself befriend it.  And then one day, I awakened to a powerful Truth.  To the Truth I had been seeking all my life:  I do not need another person, place, book, philosophy or teaching – the Truth does not lie there! I recognized that while these people and things may support and inspire me on my journey, it is I and I alone who knows what is best for me.  It is I and I alone who holds the key to the answers I seek.

So I planted my roots firmly into the ground, rebalanced and strengthened my center.  I opened up my heart to all those to whom I had unfairly given away my power, my fellow humans who I believed had wronged me and hurt me, and realized that we are all the same, all One.  I sent them my love, and I sent them forgiveness.  And then I took a deep breath in and opened up my Soul to receive gifts of Truth, love, light and laughter from the Divine, and I began to share them freely with all beings.

And I felt safe.

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